The company that is even more useless than Royal Mail—United States Postal fucking Service

After five years of having fun with Royal Mail in the UK I really thought it was the worst delivery service in the entire universe. Boy have I been proved wrong. Never ever in my life have I seen a worse service than the United States Postal Service. I mean, it’s as if they make a special effort to provide the shittiest service one could ever imagine.

What the Royal Mail used to do is put the “Sorry you were out” notices in people’s mailboxes even though they didn’t even bother to bring you the parcel they were supposed to. When that came out—and I was a victim of that many, many times—they changed the labeling. These days the notice says, “Something for you” so that you wouldn’t even expect the mailman to actually deliver the parcel, you’d just go to the delivery office and pick your parcel up yourself.

Well, the USPS is even worse. They don’t even attempt to deliver your package, but just lie through their teeth.

On January 17, I ordered something from Amazon. Apparently it was to be delivered by something called UPS SurePost, which is, as the name says, an UPS service, not USPS. However, the UPS SurePost description says, the “service combines the consistency and reliability of the UPS Ground network with final delivery typically provided by the U.S. Postal Service.”

So, my package arrived in Chicago, according to the UPS tracking history, on January 18. On January 20 it was sent “out for delivery”. However, even though I was home, the tracking history claims “The business was closed today. A delivery attempt will be made on the next business day.” And that’s an outright lie, as the “business” was wide open and I was fucking home.

All right then. When the next business day came, nothing happened. No “delivery attempts” were made. But, as the tracking history shows, at 1:10 p.m. the package was “transferred to post office”. Whatever the fuck it means—because, interestingly, the package was “received by the local post office on January 22 at 10:29 a.m. What the fuck did the package do from 1:10 p.m. to 10:29 a.m. the next day is a mystery.

UPS

Okay, so on January 22, I stayed at home the entire day. Waiting for my package. Waiting and waiting and waiting… And what didn’t come was the FUCKING PACKAGE. The UPS tracking history still said it was at my local post office, and the USPS history said they had received it. That’s it.

Then, around 10:00 p.m. I reloaded the USPS page and got this: “January 22, 2014 , 6:43 pm Available for Pickup CHICAGO, IL 60640.”

Where is it available and where can I pick it up is a fucking mystery.

USPS

But, it gets better. Because, the UPS tracking history is more elaborate: “Chicago, IL, United States 01/22/2014 6:43 P.M. Post office attempted delivery and left a delivery notice at the location. Contact post office per delivery notice.”

UPS

Now, I SAW the mailman come round my house around 4 p.m. He didn’t deliver the package. He didn’t ring my doorbell. He probably didn’t even know there was a package I was eagerly anticipating. And at 6:43 p.m. I was home, being frustrated at the fact that my parcel hadn’t arrived. There was no delivery attempt. Moreover, THERE WAS NO DELIVERY NOTICE. This is an outright lie.

As of now, I have no idea whether my package even exists. Or whether I exist. It may very well be that all this is happening in a parallel universe and my parcel or I might actually be the figment of someone’s imagination. I would not be surprised.

But the thing is, all this gets even better.

My wife’s friend sent her a package from Estonia in the middle of December. This is the tracking history of this package:

USPS

Today, I filed a complaint with USPS regarding this. Because, not a cell in my body understands why a small package arrived at Elk Grove Village’s sorting facility on December 28, 2013, hasn’t yet been delivered 17.6 miles southeast. Moreover, according to that same tracking history, it’s been sitting in Elk Grove Village since, and the last record of it was on January 13, 2014, when it was still there. After that—silence. And not a fucking soul in the world probably knows what the hell is going on.

But since I filed a complaint, the USPS has “two business days” to get back to me. We’ll see what utter cockamamie bullshit they come up with.

The fascinating thing is, however, that this shit goes on every single fucking time I order something. Just a few weeks ago I bought something from Phoenix, AZ, and it took the USPS over a week to deliver this. And yes, I checked, Phoenix is about a 20-hour drive from Chicago. What the actual fuck, gentlemen? How hard can it be?

And if something gets delivered by UPS Ground, they just leave my stuff outside the front door, on the street, for everybody to see. They actually left a $1,500 item there and I still don’t know who would’ve paid for it if it had been stolen. I’m sorry, but this is total disregard to people’s property.

Bottom line, both UPS and USPS can go fuck themselves.

And another bottom line: I absolutely love FedEx. The best delivery service I’ve experienced anywhere.

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